Miguelina

Peonies Envy

I think this whole "buying a house in a respectable suburb" thing has aged me - quickly.  I've gone from being a woman who still found time to tweeze her brows and maybe bought some lipgloss now and then to a woman who spends her days wearing a hat and canvas gloves and uses valuable Amazon giftcards to buy gardening books.

Yes, gardening books. 

These days, I worry about the state of my trees more than my wardrobe.

Do you want to know what I did last weekend?  I was weeding, and it was awesome.  Pulling those suckers out is really satisfying. 

I know how sad that sounds.  I've gone from 30 to 67 in two months flat.

Funny thing is, I have NO IDEA how to garden.  All the plants that looked so pretty when we bought the house are starting to look downright sad.  Our lawn is mostly beige.  But I still go for walks with the kids and I can't help but notice how nice the neighbor's gardens are and before long I have to turn around and go back home because I covet their hydrangeas and their climbing roses and I want to pull more weeds so that I can plant something pretty when planting season begins.

Not that I know when that is.

Tomorrow an arborist is coming.  Did you know that arborists make house calls?  I sure didn't.  Wonder what he will have to say about what is growing around our house.  I suspect it's mostly weeds.

Because Every Story Deserves a Happy Ending...

Margaritas in Hialeah.  As any native Miamian can attest, this is an extreme oxymoron (you're supposed to drink cafecitos or maybe mojitos in Hialeah- but look at how pretty it is!  I couldn't resist.)

Also?  Let's not discuss what I was doing in Hialeah. 

UPDATE:  In an attempt to come up with a way to explain Hialeah to the wonderfully funny Kevin I turned to Wikipedia and found this:

"Hialeah is the Santeria World Headquarters and contains the largest Santero Community outside of Cuba."

I don't know if this is true, but I can assure you my time in Hialeah did not involve dead chickens.  It did, however, include a fun night at a surprisingly good Mexican restaurant.  I used to make fun of Hialeah, mostly because it's the birthplace of Rick Sanchez, but Wikipedia also taught me that KC of KC and The Sunshine Band and Catherine Keener hail from there as well.  It almost makes up for Jon Secada.  Almost.

Air Travel Alone With Two Under Three: Part Deux

Part 1 is here.

5.  Get Your Act Together

Listen, I know that having two kids is exhausting and that there's only so much you can do to keep your kids from screaming while on the plane.  I know.  But that's no excuse to just give up - you HAVE to be "on" at all times.  This means that you have to dress decently for the flight (you don't have to wear heels or anything, but please leave the pajamas at home.  Seriously.)  It also means that your kids, both of them, are your responsibility.  Don't let them wander off and bother the other passengers.  Don't expect others to do things for you. 

I promise you that if people see that are you doing everything in your power to maintain control of the situation, they WILL help.  People (usually other mothers but even tattooed teenage boys might surprise you) will offer to entertain the older child while you nurse the baby.  They'll find a spork for you (did you know they keep them behind the counter nowadays?  First cold medicine and now plastic eating utensils...yet, strangely I don't feel any safer while you travel.).

And this is where I give a thousand virtual kisses to all the kind strangers that helped us out on our trip.  There really are a lot of awesome people out there. 

You bet I'll never ignore another human traveling alone with kids ever again. 

6.  Be Assertive

As nice as people can be, sometimes they don't think to help.  It's classic bystander effect - in groups of people everyone assumes someone else will surely help and in the end nobody does.  Don't let this happen to you.  Pick someone and ask for help when you really need it.

Case in point:  When I got on the plane and made it all the way back to row 24, I was faced with buckling in two kids and a carry on and only having two hands.  How could I possibly manage?  I turned to a woman who was clearly thinking the same thing and asked her "would you hold my baby, please?"  I never, ever thought I would be saying this to a total stranger, but you know, desperate times.

You know what happened?  Two other passengers (one a 10 year-old kid) reached out their hands, eager to help.  It's OK to ask.  My chosen victim seemed shocked at first, but good-naturedly held Ben while I buckled in Sebastian and put my carry-on away.  She also offered to hold the baby again when we landed.

7.  Flight Attendants Are Evil. 

Have you noticed a theme here?  Most people are pretty nice, as long as they don't make a living in the travel industry.

Sure, I travel a lot and have met many wonderful and professional flight attendants.  The ones on this particular flight, however, were vicious and did their best to not only ignore me, but to make everybody's trip a living hell.  When I asked for apple juice, I handed the flight attendant a sippy cup to pour it in.  I thought I was being helpful.  She handed the sippy cup back to me, empty, then she handed me a can of apple juice AND a cup filled with ice.  I was holding an infant and my toddler's tray table was full of toys I'd brought on board to distract him.

"I don't need the cup with ice, thanks" I said as I tried to open the can of apple juice and fill the sippy cup while balancing the baby in my arms.

"You have to take it! I, DON'T. HAVE. A. PLACE. TO. PUT. IT."  she barked.  I looked at her and the beverage cart she was pushing (you know, the one where they keep the cups and the ice?) and smiled sweetly at her,  "then I guess it'll have to wait until it's time for you to pick up the garbage!  It'll be here waiting for you!"

At least I wasn't the guy sitting in row 22 who got a beverage cart rammed into his elbow.  Ouch.

8.  Dora, In Excelsis Diego

A portable DVD player loaded up with Diego DVDs will save you.  Bring it out about an hour into the flight (after the excitement of being on a plane has worn off) and you're set.  Oh, and buy a cheap one, because your toddler will keep inserting and removing the DVD and if you're going to worry about him breaking it, well that takes all the fun out of it, doesn't it?

9.  Snacks.  Snacks.  And More Snacks.

Did I mention snacks?  Because you should bring snacks.  And bring the good stuff.  This is not the time for tofu chips.

10.  Deplaning.  Or, Revenge is Sweet.

Fight the urge to make a mad dash for the exit.  You will be much happier if you wait until everyone is gone.  The kids can watch the bags being unloaded, everyone will wave at your "amazingly well-behaved" kids, and you will have time to pick up all the crap you needed to entertain the kids during the flight.

Also?

The flight attendants can't leave you on the plane.  So they will suddenly become EXTREMELY helpful, and you will have six assistants helping you out of the gate.  One will hold your toddler, the other will carry your bags, and the witch who had no room for her stupid cup with ice?  She'll assemble your stroller for you AND buckle the baby in for you.

All in the name of getting the hell out of there.

So take your time, make them work, and congratulate yourself on having survived the journey.

Air Travel Alone with Two under Three: Part One

Remember the days when I was afraid of going to the supermarket alone with the kids?

I was so naive.

I just got back from a vacation where I traveled on a commercial flight with my two kids (ages 2 and 3 months) all by myself.  I believe I may deserve a medal.

I knew sadistic flight attendants and cruel airport screeners had it in for poor mothers traveling alone.  Here are my tips for surviving if such a journey is in your future.

1.  Pack Well

Your carry-on bag is your friend.  It needs to make you self-sufficient while being lightweight.  This means you need to pack more diapers than you think you need.  (I pack one per hour of travel, including waiting time at the airport.)  This also means you need to pack every snack known to man (what if you get stuck on the tarmac for 10 hours?) but that it can't contain any fluid or have the word "paste" on the packaging.  The people at the security checkpoint are crazy - do not expect them to have any common sense whatsoever.  Once, they made my husband throw away some toothpaste because "regulations don't allow you to carry more than 3 oz of paste on board."

"There's enough toothpaste in that container for 2 toothbrushes.  That's much less than 3 oz."

"But it says 8 oz on the tube.  That's more than 3 oz."

Don't even try to argue with that logic because it can get you arrested.

2.  Security Checkpoints - Where Toddlers are Public Enemy #1

Remember that you are traveling with children - the biggest threat to the flying public after kindly old grandmothers.  That's why you only see old ladies and moms going through the "random" secondary screening.  It's also why the guy that stands at the metal detector will make you take your sleeping 3 month-old out of his stroller.  He will watch as you struggle to fold it while holding said infant.  He will stand by while a kind stranger folds the stroller for you and hurts his shoulder putting your huge carry on on the x-ray machine's conveyor belt.  He will not tell you that your toddler is wandering away.  And once you try to go through the metal detector, tickets and IDs in one hand, grumpy 3 month-old hanging precariously on the other, he will smile, point at your toddler and say "You have to take off his shoes."

Yes, he could have told you this BEFORE you took the infant out of his stroller.  Yes, he did this on purpose.  Fight the urge to kick him. They live for this shit. 

Instead, someone with some common sense (i.e. not a TSA employee) will get on her hands and knees and take off your kid's rubber sandals for you. 

Modern-day air travel requires you to check your dignity with your luggage.  Keep calm and carry on.

3.  Get Thee To The Gate

Do not purchase any magazines or entertainment for yourself.  You will not have the time.  Get yourself to the gate, but stop at the restrooms and the food court before hand.  Take the food with you to the gate.  Ask the gate agent if they could kindly seat you in a row with an empty seat.  He will give you a sob story about how the flight is full.  Sigh heavily.  Traveling sucks.

4.  Feed The Kids

Do this at the gate so your fellow passengers see that while you're crazy enough to travel alone with two children, you are not stupid enough to do it with hungry ones.

(To Be Continued...)

Timing is Everything

I sent out Benjamin's birth announcement on the day he turned 3 months old.  I, of course, felt the guilt that accompanies that, the kind that makes you feel bad because your first born's announcements were ready before he was born and in the eager hands of friends and family before they've had the chance to meet him.

By now, most everyone has not only met Benjamin, they've had him spit up on them a couple of times.  So I imagine that receiving his announcement must have been a bit underwhelming. 

That was until a couple of weeks ago, when I received a card in the mail from a friend.  (Don't you love getting mail just because?) 

The envelope was a bit dirty and had a bit of something pink on it.  Lipstick perhaps?   Also, her return label had the words "Ho Ho Ho" in green letters.  Was my friend trying to tell me something?  Oh, then  I noticed she had a 39 cent stamp on it - the one with the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus.  Maybe she's
trying to use up old stamps.  But then why did she have one of those ugly "forever" stamps next to the Madonna? Kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Then I flipped the envelope over and found this note:

Christmas in July

I'm sorry it's all scratched up because it's been in my purse since December

Could it be?

I opened up the envelope, and sure enough, there were the smiling faces of her two adorable children sitting next to a Christmas tree.

I laughed so hard, tears were streaming down my face.  Genius!

This is hands-down my favorite card.  It's the only Christmas card on my desk.  Talk about cutting throught the clutter.

I'm considering sending my Christmas cards out next July.  Friends, consider yourselves warned.

Miguelina.

Hello!  I went on vacation and decided to change the name of my blog to Miguelina. 

Miguelina was my middle name until I got married and changed my middle name to my maiden name.  I know it's confusing (like the whole AT&T to Cingular back to AT&T thing), but please bear with me.

I always hated my middle name.  I used to dread the first day of school when the teachers would call me by my full name before I could beg them not to.  So the day I got married, I dropped the name.  It felt awesome.

Now I kind of miss it. 

So here it is.  I'm taking my name back.  The blog formerly known as The Diary of a Reluctant Housewife is now called Miguelina.